Racial Reconciliation: A Beginning

This is long. I won't apologize. You don't have to read it if you don't want to. (Unless you're my husband - you have to read it.) 

I don't like controversy. I don't like being made uncomfortable and I don't like to make others uncomfortable; however, much of life is about growth and change and those two things don't usually happen if you are feeling comfortable. I don't want to be the same as I was ten years ago. I don't want to be the same as I was yesterday. I want to grow and metamorphose into who God created me to be. 

Racism is prevalent in our society. It is systemic in our institutions. It is buried in our thoughts, culture, and ideals. It is pervasive. It causes bias and prejudice and I personally know it to be true. This is one personal example from my own history:

I was called for jury duty almost a year ago. There was a jury pool of 75 to 100 people from the area I live in. The trial was for two black men accused of a laundry list of felonies. They were looking at life in prison. In our legal system those two men have a right to a jury of their peers. The jury pool that I was a part of looked NOTHING like their peers. It was a jury pool of (almost) entirely white people. There was not a single African American - other than the defendants and their friends and families - in that courtroom. Not one. And this is not the only area of the country that deals with this issue (Jury Diversity). 

There is a lot of racial tension in our country right now. And there are a lot of people who would say that the media has manufactured this tension, or that divisive two-party politics have generated the tension, but I personally believe this tension has been simmering under the surface for a very, very long time. Don't get me wrong I do believe that the media and an extremely divided political system have played their roles in the racial developments over the past month, but they are not entirely to blame. 

I've not been able to convince myself to watch the entire video of George Floyd's murder. I said murder, not death, because it was a cold-hearted and evil murder of a human being that happened that day in Minneapolis, Minnesota. 

"Justice for George" by Shirien Damra

I don't think you need to hear George Floyd cry out for his mama for your heart to break, or to hear him beg for breath. The simple fact that a person who was sworn to serve and protect his community put his knee on the neck of another human being and left it there until that person had expired is enough to wrench your soul - and if it doesn't you should probably ask yourself why not. 

The problem is that George Floyd was not an isolated incident. It is the latest in a very long history of oppression of people of color in this country. Oppression by police, by strangers, by neighbors, by government, by a system that is rigged against them. 

There was a social media post going around that really struck me:

"I have privilege as a white person (in America) because I can do all of these things without thinking twice about it:

I can go birding (ChristianCooper).
I can go jogging (AmhaudArbery).
I can relax in the comfort of my own home (BothemSean and AtatianaJefferson).
I can ask for help after being in a car crash (JonathanFerrell and RenishaMcBride).
I can have a cellphone (StephonClark).
I can leave a party to get to safety (JordanEdwards).
I can play loud music (JordanDavis).
I can sell CD's (AltonSterling).
I can sleep (AiyanaJones and BreonnaTaylor)
I can walk from the corner store (MikeBrown).
I can play cops and robbers (TamirRice).
I can go to church (Charleston9).
I can walk home with Skittles (TrayvonMartin).
I can hold a hair brush while leaving my own bachelor party (SeanBell).
I can party on New Years (OscarGrant).
I can get a normal traffic ticket (SandraBland).
I can lawfully carry a weapon (PhilandoCastile).
I can break down on a public road with car problems (CoreyJones).
I can shop at Walmart (JohnCrawford) .
I can have a disabled vehicle (TerrenceCrutcher).
I can read a book in my own car (KeithScott).
I can be a 10 year old walking with my grandfather (CliffordGlover).
I can decorate for a party (ClaudeReese).
I can ask a cop a question (RandyEvans).
I can cash a check in peace (YvonneSmallwood).
I can take out my wallet (AmadouDiallo).
I can run (WalterScott).
I can breathe (EricGarner).
I can live (#FreddieGray).
I CAN BE ARRESTED WITHOUT FEAR OF BEING MURDERED (#GeorgeFloyd).

White privilege is real. Take a minute to consider a black person's experience today. #BlackLivesMatter #acknowledgeyourprivilege"***

The reason this post resonated with me was because I was thinking about something similar a few weeks back. I get nervous when I'm driving and a police cruiser is behind me. I'm almost always going the speed limit and following the rules of the road, but I'm nervous about getting pulled over and getting a ticket nonetheless. I have never - not once - been nervous or afraid that the officer would shoot and/or kill me.

There are people of color that fear for their lives every time they have an encounter with law enforcement - and it isn't because they've committed a crime - but because of the color of their skin.

"Justice for Breonna" by Shirien Damra 

Persons of color don't need my sympathy. They don't need my opinions. They don't need my perspective or point of view. They need my solidarity and my commitment to stand with them. They need my privilege.

In our home we have always tried to have toys and books that represent the diversity of our world. I want my children to see the beauty God created with different languages, skin colors, and heritages. If children grow up seeing a variety of skin colors, races, ethnicities, cultures - it normalizes that diversity. It removes any taboo or stigma attached to a specific skin color.

I have also recently been trying to broaden my own horizons by reading books by diverse authors - women, people of color, different ethnic backgrounds, etc. I've started following teachers, authors, religious persons, and artists from a diverse array of backgrounds and races on social media. And I am adding to my goals as it is reasonable.

I want to listen to the voices and stories of persons of color and to believe them. To give them the benefit of the doubt. To not question their experience, but to try and understand it and how I can help make this country better for them. I am talking to my children about the racism that still exists in our country. I am teaching them to see the unique diverse color spectrum of humanity and to love each and every shade of skin color.

Does this mean white people are the worst? Or all police are terrible? I don't think so and I'm also fairly certain that I didn't say either of those things in this post. It just means that this is a serious problem in our country and I want my voice to be added among those who are trying to move forward and fix it.

I also realize that this problem is not going to be solved entirely on this side of heaven because it is due in large part to sin and the fallen world we live in, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't work to make life better for all of us while I'm here. Does it?!?!

"Justice for Ahmaud" by Shirien Damra

***I edited the FB post in some places and removed all of the links. I'm not sure what content the individual hashtags might lead to, but you could easily perform a Google search on any and all of these names to read more about what happened to these individuals.

(Art prints created by Shirien Damra)

Funny Dinner Conversations

The girls are getting older and it has become a really fun activity to ask them questions that show some of the maturity they are gaining, but also still elicits child-like responses from each of them. 

The best part is that each daughter answers the questions in very surprising, and yet entirely characteristic, ways. Their answers fit perfectly with their birth order and show off their unique personalities.

Here are some of the recent convos we've had:

June 8, 2020

At lunch today I asked each daughter who they would call if they were in trouble or needed to talk when they're older and living out of the house.

Eldest and Middlest daughter both responded with, “Well, it would depend on what I needed help with or what the problem was.”

Youngest daughter said, “Like if there was a high chandelier and our clothes got stuck on it then we would call daddy for help!”

(For some background, we have a landing that overlooks a downstairs hallway and we keep the girls laundry basket on the first floor. They toss their laundry over the banister to get it into the laundry hamper. There is also a chandelier hanging in that space that frequently catches shirts, socks, and underwear - daddy is always sought for his help rescuing those items.)

June 9, 2020

At lunch today I asked each daughter whether they thought daddy and I had a favorite child. And then asked who they thought would be our favorite if we did have one. Here are their responses:

Eldest daughter: Well, you SHOULDN'T have a favorite! I don't know who would be your favorite.

Middlest daughter: No. But if you did it would be “Eldest daughter” because she doesn't lie.

Youngest daughter: Yes. (Nodding her head enthusiastically and pointing at herself) It's MEEEEEEE!!!

If you know my children at all then none of these responses surprises you in the least. 

The Rona (2020)

It all started in China last November, but didn't really start affecting the American day to day life until March of 2020. What is it -- those of you reading this from the future might ask?

CORONAVIRUS. Or Covid-19. Or the "Rona" as I like to affectionately call it. The Covid-19 virus has become a world-wide pandemic that is affecting everything.

First the stores started running out of toilet paper. Then they told everyone that could to work from home, school from home, just stay home unless you were an essential employee (i.e. Doctor, nurse, delivery person, grocery store clerk, etc.) Dentist offices, beauty salons, and gyms were mandated by our state's governor to close. Churches closed their doors. Parents who rely on public school (so they can go to work) were told to teach their kids at home. The State and Schools provided curriculum, but it was up to the parents to get (bribe, manipulate, induce) their children to comply. 

For at least eight weeks I was schooling two elementary aged students, attempting to keep one preschooler from breaking any of her bones, and working four days a week - all while my husband was trying to work a 50-hour work week from home - with conference calls and digital meetings. (Have you heard about Zoom?) 

It was chaos, but we managed to survive it. And I know without a doubt that we probably had it easier than most. 

For others the nation-wide shut down was a much needed slow-down. Time for the family to really enjoy one another, or to get out and enjoy the outdoors and some nature. For others the shut-down meant loss of jobs or trying to figure out how to work, school, and stay sane simultaneously. Restaurants were closed which affected the food supply chain and you can feel the consequences of that at the grocery store - from the bare shelves to the sky-high meat prices. 

I have no doubt that the two month total shut down will have very far reaching consequences. Many, many businesses have closed their doors for good and may not even know it yet. 

My emotions can really get the better of me when I think about people trapped in abusive homes, or homes where there are food insecurities, or students who struggle with school and don't have support at home, but mostly I am just stressed out by the never-ending unknown of it all. Will they find a vaccine, effective treatment? Will they get testing to a level that allows all of us to get back to some sort of normalcy? Will there be school this fall? How will I keep working if there is no school and husband has to go back to work in an office?!?!

There are so many unknowns in this situation and no real end in sight. Will it get worse? Will hospitals be overrun? 

Some parts of the country have peaked and are recovering at this point, but our state is really just beginning to see a sharp rise in cases, so it feels like another beginning of sorts, but not the good kind. 

I'm trying to remain calm and level headed. The best way I've found to accomplish this has been by reminding myself that my God is a holy, righteous, and sovereign God. He knows. 

He knows how long it will last and who will be affected. He knows when and how it will stop. He is in control and can use any and all circumstances for His good and His glory. He is not a fickle ever-changing God. He is unvarying and steadfast. He is grieved when we are grieved and He will right every wrong. These two verses have been the truths that I have been clinging to:

Isaiah 26:3 ESV

You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.

John 16:33 ESV

I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

My sister-in-law shared a song with me one day and it has been my "remain calm" anthem during all of the ups and downs and what ifs of this pandemic:

"You Already Know" By JJ Heller

So, if you are panicking about the pandemic (like I have a tendency to do on occasion) then get in the word and speak God's truth to your heart.

Also, you can pick up a hobby like making your own home-made kombucha, sewing face masks, or crocheting. I chose making my own sourdough starter from scratch and baking fresh bread every week. This is great for my nerves and helping me to adequately gain the requisite "Covid-19." I've also kept up my running, so I am pretty much breaking even between the two just in case you were starting to really worry about me. 

The Bee Hive

So here is the story for those following along:

Christmas morning I found a tiny hole in the ceiling of our bedroom and some mouse droppings on the floor behind a chair (below the hole). Then I got the flu and felt awful for a week. Then I started to hear the mouse in the night and I recovered from death's door. We made it to the store for a live trap because I taught biology and I'm a science nerd and the thought of a mouse getting its neck snapped in my bedroom made me sad. Don't judge me.

We opened up the ceiling expecting to find a nest and place the trap. That's when we discovered the monster hive that must have been in the ceiling for YEARS. (I don't know how bees or hives work, but I know this took a while.) It's huge y'all. It is at least a couple feet wide, deep, and high. 

I thought it was an old, dormant  hive - we haven't had any bee issues or heard any buzzing (and the mouse had been eating it). Then we started pulling some of it out and honey started running everywhere (see Facebook video). Then the bees started swarming and we realized we were in WAY OVER our heads. Now we have cardboard on the ceiling and we're contacting local beekeepers. 

We also found out that everyone knows a beekeeper (except us...but I bet we'll get to know one). And we'll let the experts take it from here. 

However, if you're in the market for some local honey I have decided to go into business. (That's a joke - I don't want to be a beekeeper I have too many humans to keep alive.) 

Just so you fully understand my life right now  - while we were dealing with the bees our youngest found nail polish and nail polish remover and painted ALL the things and spilled all the remover. And then I got a nosebleed. And this is how my year has started off. 

I am trying to see the silver lining:

1. We don't have snakes in our ceiling. 

2. No one else got the flu (just me)

3. Beekeepers WANT this stuff and will come and get it for free.

4. The mouse was (slowly) helping us clean this sucker out.

5. There was so much polish remover spilled that all of the nail polish came out of the carpet. 

6. She didn't drink the polish remover!!!

6. My nose quit bleeding....

And that's all I've got so far, but I am going to keep working on this thankfulness list...I have a feeling that I'm going to need it. 

This Baby

This is a letter I wrote to my third baby on the morning of her birth (and then never got around to posting). I was induced at 40 weeks and 4 days. Baby girl was born about four and half hours after the start of my pitocin drip. Once things got started she came fast and furious. I had decided with my third baby that I wanted to labor without the aide of an epidural - I had little hope of a completely natural birth because I had to be induced in both of my previous pregnancies. My decision is not a decision that I regret, but I would also probably not repeat it. Natural labor is a wonderful, beautiful thing. However, in my humble opinion, if you have to/choose to be induced and they give you pitocin - just get an epidural! ;-) Baby girl number three was my biggest baby at 8lbs 14oz. She is a delight and I love her to the moon and back, but I didn't always feel those feelings for her.

Baby, 

You are coming today. It has been a long, trying, exhausting pregnancy. You have made me sicker than any of my other babies. You have made me lose more sleep than any of my other babies. You have been hard work to grow. You have also been the most laid back baby in the womb - a trait I hope you maintain outside. 

I have had to learn to love you during this pregnancy. I have had to muster excitement for you. I have had to grieve the fact that I will probably never have a boy, a son. It was a long, hard journey - physically, emotionally, spiritually - but here we are at the end of it and I love you. I am excited about you. And I cannot wait to meet you. Come soon, baby girl. Come healthy, baby girl. We are anxiously awaiting your arrival. You have some very excited big sisters waiting too. <3 

Love,

Mommy

So now, today, six months (and five days) after you were born this is what I have to say to you:

My third girl. My last baby, or final baby as your daddy likes to call you. My laid back, go with the flow, smiley, happy baby. How you have rocked and changed my world. You are a wonderful, amazing baby. I can't imagine a better natured baby. Does that mean you are always easy? Always good? Never challenging? Of course not. 

 

 

It has been six months since you were born and this is the longest I have gone with so little sleep. You have yet to sleep "through the night," but I know you'll get there...someday. I do hope, for the sake of my sanity, that it happens sooner rather than later. We're working on it though. And I am so glad to be your mother regardless of how little sleep I get because you wake up hungry at 1 and 3 and 5 in the morning.

Thank you for continuing being so laid back. Thank you for your sweet smiles, adorable coos, and soft gurgles. Thank you for your squeals of delight. Thank you for your fascination with all the things in the world you can lay your eyes and or hands on. Thank you for the love in your eyes you already show for your sisters. 

And when you are older and become a willful toddler, or challenging teen, or both of these, or none of these I am going to look back on this post and remember that you were my easiest baby (despite the sleep issues). I am going to remember that you reminded me how much I love to be a mother. I am going to remember that God has blessed me richly indeed with the life of each of my children. I am going to remember that you are a treasure and that I love you no matter what.

I am so thankful for who God made you. I am so grateful that He chose me as your mother. I hope and pray that I am the mother He wants me to be to you (and your sisters). And I also pray that you start sleeping well soon, very, very soon. 

Love you, 

Mommy

Our Family of Five Goes to Florida

Almost two years ago at this point, but I'm going to try and remember as much of this trip as possible: 

The husband's parents planned an excellent family vacation for all of the siblings and their families. First we flew with three small children aged 6 months, 3 years, and 5 years. I don't even remember the flight, so it was either SO awful that I have blocked it out, or it wasn't terrible - it could have gone either way.

When we first got there we were at a condo off Disney property. And there were ants everywhere. The girls got to swim in the pool for a bit and we tried to have an early night. The baby didn't sleep much, so we didn't sleep much either. 

The next day we packed up and moved to the Grand Floridian which is a Disney property. This was my first time at this particular hotel. It was really nice and and has great access to Magic Kingdom. 

Our first day I think we went to Magic Kingdom. It was REALLY hot and we probably overdid it. I know for sure we overdid it because that night the middle daughter had a headache/migraine from overheating and vomited before she went to bed. 

The next day was long and hot as well and that night the middle daughter vomited before going to bed again. She also fell out of the bed at about 2:00am in the morning as well. I am a very light sleeper, but I heard her head hit the floor - it pulled me out of sleep. I screamed because I knew what had happened and was so freaked out about the whole situation. She was fine, but I worried about her the rest of the night. 

The Grand Floridian has a sandy beach area that backs up to a little lake/lagoon area. It is right next to the splash pad and pool area. My two oldest and their cousin were playing on the sandy beach and wading ankle deep in the water. The very next week, after we were back home, an alligator dragged a young boy under at this exact same beach area where my children and niece were playing. He did not survive. And all I could think about was how easily that could have been one of my own. Terrifying. 

After we had been at Disney for three days and visited all of the parks we drove south to a resort called LeHigh. the baby basically screamed and cried the entire drive to the condos. I don't recommend driving with an angry baby in the Florida heat. It turns out she needed to poop and she has never liked pooping. 

The resort was a very old school resort with daily activities and games. Lots of grandparent-aged guests playing lots of shuffleboard. It was fun though. And also next to a lake that was most likely alligator infested. We didn't go near the water. 

We drove about an hour to Fort Myers beach one of the days we were at LeHigh and went out to Sanibel Island another day. We got plenty of beach time with sand, water, and sun. The kids loved it. 

Beach days are hard with three so young. They always had to have someone in the water with them and they got hot and cranky easily, but we still managed to build some sandcastles and eat some sandy snacks in between the tears about water stinging their eyes. 

There was a really shallow sandbar out a ways at the beach on Sanibel Island - which our older girls really had fun with. There were also tons of sand-dollars - I found a couple as big as my hand, but most of them were quarter sized. I had never seen a living one that hadn't been bleached and dried out, so that was super fascinating to me. You could see the cilia covering their outside moving when you looked closely enough. 

One of the last days we were in LeHigh there was a torrential rainstorm. Everything was wet and flooding because of how flat the land is down there. We played some games and watched some movies to try and pass the time. And we all met at the inlaws condo to have a nice dinner together.

I think we spent four days at LeHigh and then trekked back to Orlando to the first condo we had checked into. There were still ants everywhere. We packed up that night though because we were heading to a different hotel the next day. 

We got to spend a day at Universal. It was long and hot and fun. We saw The Wizarding world of Harry Potter. Or "Harry Poppins" according to our five year old. We watched some animals do fun tricks and played in Feivel's play land. All of the cousins got to meet Dora, Boots, and Diego.

At our hotel the morning we were checking out there was a guy showing off a baby alligator. Our two oldest girls got to pet and hold it. That was pretty exciting. We don't see a lot of alligators where we live.

Travelling with three small children is never easy or simple, but I also never regret any of it. I wouldn't trade the family time and life experiences for anything. 

My Third Pregnancy

I am 36 weeks pregnant with daughter number 3. My pregnancy app tells me that I have been pregnant for 250+ days - which seems like a really long time to me - even though in the grand scheme of things it is not that long.

This pregnancy has definitely been the most difficult. Because of my experience, I assume that subsequent pregnancies would just be progressively worse. Also I am getting older - now I am experiencing pregnancy in my thirties. Agh! Here are some examples of how it has been more difficult: I had all day nausea for two trimesters (instead of one), I have vomited a lot more frequently, and I have had some other weird aches and pains that I did not experience in previous pregnancies. For example: my Braxton Hicks contractions now have a more crampy feeling than just tightening pressure and I have pregnancy carpal tunnel in my hands/wrists -- SUPER FUN! :-/. Plus, I still get to experience all of the usual things that I have dealt with in past pregnancies: back pain, trouble sleeping, major heartburn (my girls are born with lots of hair in case you were wondering), and general discomfort due to carrying a tiny human inside my ever-expanding uterus for many months.

I know, I know...pregnancy sounds super fun and at the end of it you get a newborn who spits up, poops, and cries about a lot of stuff. Why do people do this? I can't really explain it because there is certainly a lot one could complain about, but there are also these feelings and experiences that you get to partake in that are amazingly wonderful. This tiny human who can be really sweet and cuddly and depends on you for its survival. Also, if you have more than one you get to watch them bond and love each other as siblings which has become one of my very most favorite things. It can be really heart melting - when they aren't screaming at each other. :-)

Anyway, I am pretty positive that this will be my last pregnancy, so I am trying to document it and "enjoy" it as much as I can. Both of these tasks are difficult because a) I have two small children who need things from me and b) I kind of think being pregnant sucks - not being able to be pregnant or getting a baby through pregnancy - I know what an amazing gift both of those things are and that there are many women who would deal with much worse than I have in order to experience it. However, being sick for nine months takes a toll.

So I am nearing the finish line and I am exhausted. I am tired of being sick. I am tired from lack of sleep. I am tired mentally, physically, and spiritually, but somehow God is managing to get me through each day, one day at a time. Thank you Jesus! So, there is my recap of this pregnancy so far. Four more weeks to go. And now I have to go shake my hands out because they are numb and tingling.