The Next Right Thing

I have no words today. I keep trying to collect my thoughts and put them down here and I just keep hitting wall after wall. I know what I want to say, but I don't know how to say it. Mostly, I am afraid that it wouldn't matter anyway. 

What topic should I write about? 

There are so many. 

What words would explain my thinking, my heart, my soul?

I don't have them. 

How can I make people truly see me? 

I'm invisible. I feel invisible. I'm unseen. 

The well is dry, and yet I'm drowning. 

My heart is broken, and my passion spills out. 

My mind is racing - full, but I cannot form a cohesive thought. 

How do we cope with what we cannot individually handle? How do we manage what we have absolutely no control of? How do we make a dent? A difference? A change?

I don't have any answers today friends. 

I am scratching and clawing my way through the dark trying to make sense of it all. Each time I come up empty and full of despair. It makes it hard to breathe. 

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I CAN'T BREATHE. 

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I know the answers to all of my questions. Why is it so hard? Why can we not just love one another? Why are we so prideful and selfish? Sin. Brokenness. Separation. 

I know where to turn when I feel the shadows creeping in. Jesus, only Jesus. 

Knowing doesn't make it easier. Knowing doesn't make it simple. Knowing doesn't make it go away. 

Knowing only gives me a path to follow. A light in the darkness. 

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I don't know if you have seen Frozen II or if you are familiar with Elisabeth Elliot, but there is a poem that Elisabeth Elliot quoted (from an old Saxon legend) and it resonates with me now - in this moment of questioning and feeling lost: 

"From an old English parsonage down by the sea
There came in the twilight a message to me;
Its quaint Saxon legend, deeply engraven,
Hath, it seems to me, teaching from Heaven.
And on through the doors the quiet words ring
Like a low inspiration: “DO THE NEXT THING.”

Many a questioning, many a fear,
Many a doubt, hath its quieting here.
Moment by moment, let down from Heaven,
Time, opportunity, and guidance are given.
Fear not tomorrows, child of the King,
Trust them with Jesus, do the next thing

Do it immediately, do it with prayer;
Do it reliantly, casting all care;
Do it with reverence, tracing His hand
Who placed it before thee with earnest command.
Stayed on Omnipotence, safe ‘neath His wing,
Leave all results, do the next thing.

Looking for Jesus, ever serener,
Working or suffering, be thy demeanor;
In His dear presence, the rest of His calm,
The light of His countenance be thy psalm,
Strong in His faithfulness, praise and sing.

Then, as He beckons thee, do the next thing."

Is it weird that I am about to talk about Frozen? It feels weird. Sorry, not sorry. 

I have three daughters, and they all love Ana and Elsa. I enjoyed the first movie. The sisterhood, strong female characters, and even the songs (for a while). However, the second movie really got to me. The way Ana responds to hardship and grief - knowing that she has a job to do and cannot give in to her sadness; that she must not give up, but also knowing it will be a struggle. She sings a song about just doing the next right thing. It is so reminiscent of the poem that Elliot quoted. And it inspires me now - in this struggle of trying to find my way and make a difference, but also realizing how hard, and difficult, and sometimes hopeless that can feel. 

I have to choose to keep getting up, keep putting one foot forward, and to keep pressing on. I have to choose to do the next right thing. And then the next, and the the next, and the next. 

One right thing at a time. 

And I won't always get it right, or be right. I will stumble. I will fall. I will need to apologize. I might even need some course corrections, but I will also keep getting back up, keep growing, keep learning, and keep doing the next right thing - one thing at a time. 

And that is the hardest part.