Drowning

I am overwhelmed. 

    I am exhausted. 

I am burning the candle at both ends. 

    I am an emotional train wreck. 

I feel defeated. 

How do I continue to move forward when everything just seems to be dragging me down...

Down. 

        Down. 

                Down. 

                        Small moments of light. 

                Happy, bright seconds. 

       Passing in a hurry. 

Almost forgotten before they're over...

because they've asked me to just take care of one more thing. 

i CAN'T handle ONE more THING!

And now this is broken. 

And now this needs tending. 

Show up here. Do this. Be there. Fix that. 

more. More. MORE.

I want to SCREAM.

I will sit still. I will be quiet. I will lay down my head.

I will get up and take 

    one 

        small 

            step 

at a time. 

Don't look too far ahead, or too far to the side - only at what is right here in front of me, 

    in this moment.

One small step at a time. One crisis at a time. One need at a time.  

Half a second. Half a millisecond. 

One moment at a time.

Don't give in to despair. Keep your head up. 

Keep swimming. 

    Keep floating. 

        Don't go under.

Hold on to hope. 

Stay afloat. 

Haiku for 2020

Overwhelming days;

Manage my expectations. 

Do what I can do.

 

~

Darkness doesn't stay

As the sun rises and falls

Vivid light shines through.

  ~

 

Some try to deny. 

It has taken many lives. 

Please wear your mask now.

~

Do the next right thing. 

One step at a time. Just one. 

Don't forget to breathe.

~

Not a Haiku

What is a life worth? 

Is it worth a sacrifice? 

Is it worth a seat at the table? 

Is it worth a portion of power?

Is it worth some of our own freedom? 

What if it cost your life to save another?

Are we not called to lay down our lives? 

What is a life worth?

~

Grandma Mac

Over a week ago, I found out that my grandmother had passed away.

I'm heartbroken and devastated by the loss of her, but to be honest, I've been grieving her loss for several years. She began to slowly mentally decline a few years ago. 

In recent years, talking to her always included being asked the same question repeatedly and/or hearing the same story multiple times. I didn't mind, but she definitely has not been my spunky grandma - the grandma of my childhood - for a while. 

Then, about two years ago, she had a stroke. I honestly didn't think she was going to survive that summer, but she did. She was physically in great shape for a ninety-six year old, but the stroke just aggravated her mental decline.

A couple of months ago, in the midst of the pandemic, it became apparent that she could no longer reasonably, or safely live with my parents. She had to be sent to an assisted living facility. This decision was gut-wrenching for my mom, but also very necessary for my grandmother's safety and for the health and wellness of my parents who have been caring for her in their home for the past seven years. 

Before my grandmother was moved to an assisted living facility, I got to spend a few hours with my her, my mom, and my three daughters. I knew then that it might be the last time I ever saw her. 

The last time I would see her dote on and interact with my children. I knew it was unrealistic that I'd get to visit with her while covid cases were increasing in our area. Frankly, I was not sure how well she would adjust or hold up once in the facility.

 

Then she moved in and seemed to transition surprisingly well. My mom would get positive nurse updates, they sent pictures, and my parents got to schedule visits with her. She seemed happy. She seemed settled. I hoped it meant that at some point I would get to visit with her. That she'd stick around for a while.

 

Then she passed. It was sudden, quick, and hopefully peaceful. And now she is gone. My grandmother.

She was a pillar in my life growing up. She was the anchor of so many of my holiday memories as a child. She moved next door to us during my last year of elementary school and has been a huge part of my life for the past 25 years. She helped me rock every single one of my babies. 

She encouraged me and supported me. She simply loved me. Just as I was. She never expected me to be anyone or anything else. That kind of unconditional love is rare and priceless. And she gave it to me regularly and freely. 

I loved her. I loved everything about her. I'm so thankful for the impact she had on me and the way her love shaped me. Life will never be the same with her gone. 

We had her funeral this past weekend. It was such a special time to remember her with close family and friends. 

Grandma was so spunky and sassy. She was a planner and demanded excellence of herself and of others. I found out that she and my Grandpa Mac have had their burial plots picked out and paid for since 1947. Three years after they got married. If that isn't planning to be prepared I don't know what is.

Grandma Mac gave her everything to her family. I know because I experienced it first hand. If I ever needed or wanted something that she had the ability to make happen - it happened. She supported me through college, so that I could focus on studying. She was tough as nails and always dressed to impress. Before the stroke she always had her nails manicured to perfection, got her hair cut and styled regularly, and she accessorized impeccably. 

Her love of shoes and handbags was passed down to me honestly; and I do love make-up, but I am not sure I have the same level of obsession with it and hair care as Grandma did. 

At the service, I was also reminded, that while I will grieve the loss of her here on Earth for the rest of my life, I don't grieve without hope. And there is a joy mingled with the sadness. She is no longer constrained to a failing earthly body. She is in heaven rejoicing with her savior. And knowing that takes some of the sting out of the fact that she is not here with us - with me. 

I don't know why God picked this time and these circumstances under which to call my grandmother home. Why didn't he take her two years ago after her stroke? Why did she linger here, but not here for so long? I don't know. I may never know, but I trust (or at least I'm trying to trust) that His plan is superior to my own. And even though I don't have all of the answers I have seen God's hand on the timing of Grandma's passing. And I know that her life will influence my own for all the days I am given. She has left behind an awesome legacy. 

Several years ago our pastor did a sermon series through 1st Timothy. One sermon in particular emphasized the impact that Timothy's mother and grandmother had on his faith. As I reflected on that theme and considered the legacy that was being passed down to me through my mother and her mother before her I wrote the following poem:

Legacy 

by: DJ Allen

You Love the Lord

I Know It's True

I See it Daily Shining Through

You Are a Living Testament

Of All the Love that God Hath Sent

Through His Son to Us On Earth

Beginning with the Virgin Birth

You Taught Your Children Right from Wrong

They Grew Up and Passed It On

We Hide God's Words in Our Hearts

Because You Always Did Your Part

You Showed Up And Shared His Love

Obeying and Serving God Above

You Are a Light for All to See

You Will Leave Behind a Legacy

Your Children's Children Sing it Loud

Because You and Your Legacy Make Us Proud

My mother asked me to read the Legacy poem during Grandma Mac's funeral. If you know me, then you know that this request terrified me for multiple reasons. However, when Debbie Jo asks you to do something you do it. And so I prayed, fervently, that God would give me the strength and grace that I would need to read that poem for my mother and in honor of my grandmother. And I did. 

I love you Grandma Mac. I will miss you always. 💗

October 29, 1922 - September 13, 2020

The Next Right Thing

I have no words today. I keep trying to collect my thoughts and put them down here and I just keep hitting wall after wall. I know what I want to say, but I don't know how to say it. Mostly, I am afraid that it wouldn't matter anyway. 

What topic should I write about? 

There are so many. 

What words would explain my thinking, my heart, my soul?

I don't have them. 

How can I make people truly see me? 

I'm invisible. I feel invisible. I'm unseen. 

The well is dry, and yet I'm drowning. 

My heart is broken, and my passion spills out. 

My mind is racing - full, but I cannot form a cohesive thought. 

How do we cope with what we cannot individually handle? How do we manage what we have absolutely no control of? How do we make a dent? A difference? A change?

I don't have any answers today friends. 

I am scratching and clawing my way through the dark trying to make sense of it all. Each time I come up empty and full of despair. It makes it hard to breathe. 

*

*

*

I CAN'T BREATHE. 

*

*

*

I know the answers to all of my questions. Why is it so hard? Why can we not just love one another? Why are we so prideful and selfish? Sin. Brokenness. Separation. 

I know where to turn when I feel the shadows creeping in. Jesus, only Jesus. 

Knowing doesn't make it easier. Knowing doesn't make it simple. Knowing doesn't make it go away. 

Knowing only gives me a path to follow. A light in the darkness. 

____________________________________________________________________________

I don't know if you have seen Frozen II or if you are familiar with Elisabeth Elliot, but there is a poem that Elisabeth Elliot quoted (from an old Saxon legend) and it resonates with me now - in this moment of questioning and feeling lost: 

"From an old English parsonage down by the sea
There came in the twilight a message to me;
Its quaint Saxon legend, deeply engraven,
Hath, it seems to me, teaching from Heaven.
And on through the doors the quiet words ring
Like a low inspiration: “DO THE NEXT THING.”

Many a questioning, many a fear,
Many a doubt, hath its quieting here.
Moment by moment, let down from Heaven,
Time, opportunity, and guidance are given.
Fear not tomorrows, child of the King,
Trust them with Jesus, do the next thing

Do it immediately, do it with prayer;
Do it reliantly, casting all care;
Do it with reverence, tracing His hand
Who placed it before thee with earnest command.
Stayed on Omnipotence, safe ‘neath His wing,
Leave all results, do the next thing.

Looking for Jesus, ever serener,
Working or suffering, be thy demeanor;
In His dear presence, the rest of His calm,
The light of His countenance be thy psalm,
Strong in His faithfulness, praise and sing.

Then, as He beckons thee, do the next thing."

Is it weird that I am about to talk about Frozen? It feels weird. Sorry, not sorry. 

I have three daughters, and they all love Ana and Elsa. I enjoyed the first movie. The sisterhood, strong female characters, and even the songs (for a while). However, the second movie really got to me. The way Ana responds to hardship and grief - knowing that she has a job to do and cannot give in to her sadness; that she must not give up, but also knowing it will be a struggle. She sings a song about just doing the next right thing. It is so reminiscent of the poem that Elliot quoted. And it inspires me now - in this struggle of trying to find my way and make a difference, but also realizing how hard, and difficult, and sometimes hopeless that can feel. 

I have to choose to keep getting up, keep putting one foot forward, and to keep pressing on. I have to choose to do the next right thing. And then the next, and the the next, and the next. 

One right thing at a time. 

And I won't always get it right, or be right. I will stumble. I will fall. I will need to apologize. I might even need some course corrections, but I will also keep getting back up, keep growing, keep learning, and keep doing the next right thing - one thing at a time. 

And that is the hardest part. 

Window to Wildlife

Almost every summer since we moved into this house there has been a mama deer with at least one fawn. Last summer she had twins. I know it is the same mama deer every year because she has a very distinctive ankle injury that never healed quite right - and yet she continues to produce young and survive - which is a whole other post about perseverance. She's an amazing mama. I've only caught glimpses of that mama deer this summer.

The reason she hasn't been through our yard much is because this summer our backyard has become home to a family (or families) of foxes. Baby foxes, y'all! They are the cutest. 

Mama A with Kit 1

Mama A

I can't tell you exactly how many foxes have made our backyard their home because I've seen different numbers and sizes of foxes on multiple occasions. I know there is at least one mama fox, and I believe, based off of the photos that there are two mama foxes. I think the first mama (Mama A) has a single kit, and the second mama (Mama B) has two. 

Mama B with Kit 2 and 3

The first time I saw any sign of the foxes was when one of the mama foxes was in the backyard rooting around in a wood pile. She heard something and quickly slunk under the fence and into the trees. The next time I saw the foxes was in the backyard, near the tree line. I watched as the fox, I refer to as Mama A, was pounced on by her young pup. The kit would climb on a fallen log and as the mama fox approached for some grooming the kit would leap. The mama fox was calm and patient, but also persistent. She just kept up the cleaning and the grooming attack after attack. Every few attempts the cub would reluctantly sit and allow the grooming until it could no longer stand it and then take off again for another round. 

On another occasion, in our side yard, we watched as a pair of young foxes chased, played, and tumbled around with one another while a mama fox (Mama B) looked on. They ran and rolled all over the small basketball area, they chased one another under our trampoline. One of them even perched on top of the lid to our sandbox rather triumphantly as if to say, I'm the king of the yard!"

The other night after a long day the husband and I were on the front porch as the sun sank below the hills. It was dusk and getting more and more difficult to see, but out of the corner of my eye I saw movement - and there it was a fox darting across our side yard into the safety of the treeline. As I glanced around to see if there were more I noticed a raccoon standing at attention and taking it all in. He was only there for a moment, but that raccoon stared us down. Then he also disappeared into the trees.  

These foxes (and other wildlife) have been a source of joy this summer. Watching them has been palliative. I can forget the job loss, the pandemic, the stress of keeping the girls happy and healthy while simultaneously having to say no to a lot of things. I can stop thinking about school this coming fall and the hard choices we have to make. It all melts into the background while we watch the foxes play and interact. 

Mama B

Thank you Jesus for the distraction of these foxes this summer. And the reminder that our family playing together, watching together, just being together, can be enough. The wildlife that we get to view through our windows is one of the greatest blessings of this home - the bunnies, the birds, the deer, the foxes, and now even a raccoon! Not the squirrels though, I'm mad at the squirrels, but that is a story for another day. 

Determined Roadrunner

All of the photos in this post were taken by me - from inside my house - through dirty windows, sorry. 

I used my Canon EOS Rebel xsi camera equipped with a 55-250mm lens.

When it Rains it Pours - Keep the Faith Anyway

This is our first time to walk through a job loss. It's the worst. This is also our first time to live through a pandemic. It is also the worst. In case you were wondering, I do not recommend experiencing your first job loss and first pandemic simultaneously. 

There are many, many people who have dealt with losing a job. Sometimes it really is no big deal to lose a job. I got let go from a job with a doctors office during my post college years, but I was planning to quit anyway, so it was really easy to cope with. I had a new job before the week was out.

Other times it's a monumentally stressful and terrible thing to lose a job. My husband's job supports our family. It's what we lived on for the eight years I stayed home and took care of our young children. Even now his salary keeps all of our bills paid, keeps us in our home, and allows us to buy gas and groceries. We live off of it. My earnings are what we use to pay for soccer and gymnastics for the girls - the extras. 

In March of this year the company my husband worked for decided to outsource a large portion of it's IT department; more specifically the area that he worked in. He lost his job. He had worked for that company for nearly fifteen years. And in one day it was gone. It was devastating. We decided to make lemonade with our lemons and use this as an opportunity for him to find something better - something with more growth opportunities and a company that places a higher value on their employees. Then coronavirus happened. The world turned upside down. Businesses closed and people stayed home for months. 

You can guess how well a job search goes when companies close down factories and offices and send employees to work from home. Not great. There was nothing. Not a single email or phone call from anyone that the husband had reached out to for two months. There were jobs posted on websites, but sending in a resume doesn't do a lot of good when the company has a hiring freeze. At the end of May the husband finally started getting a few emails and phone calls about potential jobs, but nothing ever panned out. He either didn't have the right skill set, or experience, or the company wasn't looking for anyone at the moment. 

This is a discouraging situation. It is so hard to hold on to hope and positivity when nothing seems to be going right. Fortunately, as Christians, our hope and joy doesn't rely on our circumstances. It relies on a loving, omnipotent, sovereign creator who wants what is good for us. That doesn't mean this season hasn't been hard, or won't continue to be hard, or that we haven't had really dark days full of despair, but it does mean that we don't stay there. We know that our God will provide for us. We don't know what He will provide, or how He will provide it, but we know He will. He reminds us again and again in the bible that He will provide for us and he is working all things out for His glory and our good. This is just one set of verses that I have been resting in during the past four months:

Matthew 6:26-34(ESV)

"26 Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 27 And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? 28 And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, 29 yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30 But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31 Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. 33 But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

34 “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."

I don't know if the husband will get a great, well paying job that provides for all of our needs, or if this will be a long wearying season of dissatisfaction with his work life, but I do know that if we trust in the Lord and wait upon Him that this season will not be wasted. 

Fortunately, we have seen the Lord's hand on us from the moment the husband lost his job and before. We had some summer plans that we had to cancel even before Covid-19 and the job loss, but that would have most definitely had to of been cancelled afterwards, so the Lord was protecting our hearts from bitterness in that. The company the husband worked for offered him a three month extension before his last day, so he had time when he was still employed and earning money to look for a job - however fruitless that search proved to be. That is three months that he could have been without work, or any leads to work, that we didn't have to worry about how we would pay the bills. 

Also, the new company that is taking over IT support for the old company offered the husband a one year contract to continue his old role of support (and to help get the new company up to speed). So, even though the future is uncertain, and even though there are some serious downsides to the new company, the Lord is still providing the husband with work that will continue to pay the bills for the next 12 months. 

Some days I do a really great job of focusing on what God has done and thanking Him for His goodness. Other days I am bogged down in anger and frustration over our circumstances. You know what - it is okay - it's okay to feel all of those things. It is okay to have an abundance of trust, and faith, and joy on Monday and be sad, angry, and grieving on Wednesday. God made all of our emotions and He has made room for all of our feelings. The reason it's okay is because the work is not mine to complete - it was completed in and through Christ. I don't have to be steadfast because He is steadfast. Not that I should give up and not continue to try to trust Him in and through all things, but the work is complete - I just need to finish well. 

John 19:28-30 (ESV)

28 After this, Jesus, knowing that all was now finished, said (to fulfill the Scripture), “I thirst.” 29 A jar full of sour wine stood there, so they put a sponge full of the sour wine on a hyssop branch and held it to his mouth. 30 When Jesus had received the sour wine, he said, “It is finished,” and he bowed his head and gave up his spirit.

So on the days when I am full of joy; that is a work of the Lord. And on the days when I am hurt and angry; He is still there holding me fast. And hopefully, if I continue to allow the Lord to work in my life, the next time we face a crisis like this (or worse than this) I will be even better equipped and ready to maintain my joy in the Lord. Sanctification. Perseverance. These are the things that produce a steadfast faith. These are the things that allow us to run the race and to not grow weary. Not that there won't be hard days, or days where I feel exhausted and at the end of myself, but there will always be a hope and a light even on those darkest of days. And that hope is Jesus. 

Romans 5:1-5(ESV)

5 Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. 2 Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4 and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5 and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

If you don't know this peace - the assurance that even when all seems dark and horrible that there is still hope - I encourage you to read through Romans in a bible, check out a local gospel preaching church, or a friend that has a gospel centered faith and talk to them about how they continue to find joy and hope - even on the hard days and when everything and everyone feels lost. 

Heat

Heat is a funny thing. It can warm you. It can burn you. It can be literal or figurative. 

It's almost officially summer and the daily temperature highs are increasing. The mornings and evenings no longer hold any lingering coolness. When I began running last fall it was still hot, but it was not middle of the summer hot. The evenings and mornings were starting to cool off and bring some relief. So that's when I ran. When you've not been consistently active for a while getting started is hard, but the coolness of the early morning air made it more bearable. Easier. 

At this point, I've been running consistently for almost ten months. It had become routine and natural to get up and run before starting the rest of my day. Then it started to get hot. I don't do well in the heat. It makes me wilt - both physically and mentally. I get heat migraines, my attitude deteriorates, I become extra cranky, and a little snappy. It isn't pretty. The heat is making it hard to run. I don't want to get up and go out into the hot. I don't want to run as fast. I don't want to run as far. I want to give up and quit. 

In addition to the climbing temps outside, it's also begun to feel very hot figuratively -  between politics, race relations, the Coronavirus, the economy, and the regular demands of everyday life - there is a lot of stress and pressure on all of us. I could list out all of the individual hard things I am dealing with - but couldn't we all? Each one of us is facing grief, hurt, uncertainty, disappointment, hardship, etc. So many fears, concerns, questions: How can we protect ourselves from a virus that we know so little about? Am I being safe? Is there more I could do? What will the new normal look like this fall? How can I advocate for my Black brothers and sisters? When will life feel less chaotic? Will life ever feel less chaotic? 

It's so easy to become overwhelmed with thoughts, emotions, feelings, and worry. It's so easy to quit. It takes zero thought or energy to stop doing something that is hard, but I am resolving to not give up. I am going to keep running. I am going to persevere. 

I may run a little slower, or I may not run as far, but I will not stop. I will not quit. I will keep fighting for my health and happiness. The same goes for the rest of it - Justice for all is important. Taking care of our planet is important. Loving our neighbor is important. Raising our children to be kind humans is important. These things are not easy, but they are worthwhile, so:

I am not giving up. 

I will continue to educate myself. I will continue to try and use my vote and my voice wisely and well. I will continue to learn about and understand the effects of systemic racism in our country and how I can help to create change. I will teach my children and lead by example. I will encourage those within my sphere of influence to be better and to do better. I will continue to pursue knowledge. I will continue to grow, to do my part, and to trust Jesus with the rest. 

The rising temperatures may slow my progress and I am sure I will have set backs. I know I'll be discouraged and it will affect my pace and my distance, but I am going to continue to run the race - despite the heat - both literally and figuratively.