Survivors Guilt

I have a lot of friends and family who are going through things that I cannot comprehend. I cannot understand the depths of their grief.


I have known sadness (I might go so far as to say depression) from time to time. I am even struggling with it as I write this. I have had loved ones and family members deal with illness and/or pass away. I have doubted, faced rejection, and dealt with other obstacles and struggles; but I also had an idyllic childhood.


I have two loving parents who are still happily married. I was born in the USA (one of the richest countries in the world). I have always had a roof over my head and plenty to eat. I have two siblings whom I get along with. I enjoy my siblings. I like hanging out with them. I received a good education. I have my Masters degree. I have never had serious financial woes. My husband and I have no credit card debt to speak of. I have more worldly possessions than I need or that some people even dream of having. I have a beautiful, intelligent little girl. I have never struggled with infertility, or the loss of a child.


I could go on and on. And no, I am not trying to rub my blessings in anybody's face, but I cannot deny them either.


I think that the enemy has been using this to bombard me lately. I have been feeling really guilty about living such a blessed life. I have been feeling guilty about feeling bad about anything. I keep saying to myself, "Get over yourself, at least you aren't dealing with _____." or "You are sad about that? What if you were having to go through ____?" I have been beating myself up for worrying and being a weakling in general. I even feel bad about being happy and content.


So many people I know are facing things I cannot imagine facing. So many people I do not know face things I cannot imagine facing. Loss, hunger, poverty, illness, etc. Why did God give me so much? What did I do to deserve such a blessed life?


The answer is nothing. I did nothing to deserve it. I don't deserve it, but it has been given to me anyway. Now, I must be the best steward of the grace God has shown me that I can be.


In the wake of the recent griefs that acquaintances and loved ones have been facing, my own griefs seem to pale in comparison. It would be easy to minimize them, or shrug them off. However, I serve a God who cares about even my most minuscule and insignificant problems/feelings. In fact, He does not even consider them minuscule or insignificant. If it matters to me--it matters to Him. He knows the number of hairs on my head:

          Luke 12:6-8 (ESV), "Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? And not
          one of them is forgotten before God. Why, even the hairs of your head are
          all numbered. Fear not; you are of more value than many sparrows."


He is acquainted with all of my ways:


        Psalm 139:1-3 (ESV), "O Lord, you have searched me and known me! You 
        know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar.  
        You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my 
        ways."


He has plans for me and they are good:


       Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV), "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord,
       "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."


So, I am seeking His perfect peace. A peace that passes all understanding:


       Philippians 4:7 (ESV), "And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, 
       will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."


I am also reconciling myself to the fact that sadness is a part of this fallen world and God understands my sadness. It is just as meaningful and important to Him as the sadness of others -- even if it doesn't seem as meaningful to them, or to me. 


And though I may walk through a valley --even now-- God will use it to build my strength and my character. If I am obedient and abide in Him, He can and will use it to draw me nearer and fulfill His kingdom purposes.

Build-A-Bear

I have a confession to make:

My name is Danielle and I am addicted to stuffed animals - especially Build-A-Bear animals because I get to help "make" them.

We were in Springfield this past week and on our last day in town I was trying to find a cool place to get out of the hot sun and waste some time before we went to pick up daddy to head home.
I found a mall. The original plan was just to go in and walk around. However, on our way inside I spied two girls walking out holding Build-A-Bear boxes in their hands. My heart leapt and I thought, "hey, I have a little girl...that means I have an excuse to go in there." So in we went.

At first I thought...this is so silly. Claire can't tell me which bear she wants to make. I am basically doing this for selfish gain, but then we started looking at the choices and Claire had a very distinct way of telling me exactly what she wanted.

We started at one end of the bins containing the un-stuffed animals. I held up each of Claire's options. If Claire liked it she reached for it and hugged on it. If she didn't like it she shook her head "no" and waved her hand at it saying "uh uh."

We finally narrowed the choices down to a monkey or a fuzzy puppy. She decided on the puppy ("Woof Woof" as Claire calls it). It took some convincing but she finally handed "Woof Woof" over to the lady for stuffing and we picked out a heart to put inside.

I was even going to let her pick out a shirt for her new puppy, but she didn't like any of the choices I gave her and declined all of them. So puppy is shirtless, but very loved. Claire loved her "Woof Woof" all the way home.

I think we all know why I headed in to Build-A-Bear (for myself), but it ended up being a very fun mother-daughter experience. "Woof Woof" is upstairs asleep with Claire, but if I think about it I will post a pic of him tomorrow.

Here he is:

Springfield, MO

The hubby had to take a work trip to Springfield. Since I am now a full-time stay-at-home mommy, Claire and I decided to tag along. I am so glad we did. 1) We didn't have to go five days without seeing Jared and 2) Claire and I had a lot of fun running around and seeing the sights.

Claire being silly at the restaurant we stopped at on the way to Springfield.

Springfield has some really nice things to see and do for families.


Day 1 (Monday):
Claire and I started off our adventures a little roughly, but it soon turned into a wonderful day of hanging out. I didn't read my notes very carefully and we tried to go to the Discovery Center this day, but as it turned out Monday is the one day a week that the Discovery Center is closed. I was slightly frustrated and just decided to head back to the hotel (all the way across town) to regroup when I saw a sign for the Bass Pro Shop. We had planned to go there later in the week, but since the Discovery Center had been a flop I got in the turn lane and followed to sign. I had almost given up hope in finding the Bass Pro Shop and turned on the road I knew would get us back to the hotel when low and behold there it was -- The Bass Pro Shop -- on our right. I turned in and parked and Claire and I headed inside.

They had some really neat things inside. There was a huge alligator (pictured below) and several tanks of some really big catfish and alligator gar. We also got to see them feed some trout - who went crazy for the food - and some kind of water fowl that shared the tank with the trout. It was really kind of fun, especially considering how our morning started out. 

 

After Bass Pro, it was time to pick up daddy for lunch, so we went to get him and headed to an Italian restaurant that was reminiscent of Noodles back home--it wasn't as good though. After lunch daddy dropped a sleeping Claire and I off back at the hotel -- we both had a good little nap time. I think we both needed the rest and slept for quite a while. When Claire (and I) woke up we got into our swimsuits and headed to the hotel pool for some splash time. It was a lot of fun and we had just gotten out/dried off when daddy arrived back at the hotel. We had leftovers from lunch, so we heated those up and had a quick dinner and then Claire and I took daddy back to Bass Pro, so he could see the alligator. We stopped by Wal-Mart on our way back to the hotel to pick up some things we had forgotten and then went back to the hotel for the night. 

Day 2 (Tuesday):

Claire and I tried out the Discovery Center again and had a fabulous time. It really is a neat little place. There are all kinds of hands-on things for kids to do. They even had a room for kids five and under, so the big groups of school-aged kids didn't bother us. Claire even enjoyed watching the bigger kids try things out. I really enjoyed the Discovery Center and I think Claire did too. 

In the afternoon we tried out the Library Center - I thought surely it would be as good as Fayetteville's because Springfield is a bigger town...but I was sadly mistaken. It is a nice Library, but their children's section is not nearly as nice or good as ours. We are truly blessed with the Fayetteville Public Library. Since we didn't spend as much time as I thought we would at the Library we headed next door to Academy Sports and wasted some time looking around and buying a couple of pairs of shorts for mommy. 

After picking up daddy we had some more pool time (did I mention that Claire is a little water bug - she loves it!) and then went to dinner at this Korean restaurant (Soo's). Jared took a pic of our spread (it really was quite the spread) with his phone, so I will have to try and get that on here. It was amazing. The food was delicious and it was really fun trying something new. The lady who was the hostess/server was so sweet and she LOVED Claire. (Who doesn't love Claire?) If we go back to Springfield we will go back to Soo's.

Day 3 (Wednesday):

Claire and I hit up the Dickerson Park Zoo this morning. I knew we would spend a lot of time there and the mornings are when we have the most of it between dropping off and picking up daddy. The Zoo was amazing. It was probably my favorite outing of the whole trip. I feel guilty saying that because I know Jared really loves going to a good Zoo and he had to work while we were there. 

The peacocks were just roaming around the zoo freely. It was amazing.

I am so glad we went in the morning. It was a cool and beautiful morning and there weren't a whole lot of people there in the middle of the week. They had some great exhibits. We got to see some baby black bear cubs playing together. Claire got to feed a giraffe, a goat, and a big woolly cow. (She loved feeding the animals--her hands got nice and slobbery.) We got to see monkeys, birds, big cats, elephants, etc. Most of the typical zoo critters and a couple I had never seen/noticed at a zoo before. 

We spent a good two hour there and didn't even get to see everything, but it was time to go pick up daddy for lunch. So we headed out. Claire was exhausted after our morning, so we had a quick lunch and then back to the hotel for a nap.

After Claire's nap we just lazed around in the hotel - since the morning had been so full - but made a few stops at a children's clothing boutique (The Kid's Court) and a Christian book store on the way to pick Jared up from work. Then we took Jared to Academy Sports because he had wanted to get to go (plus I needed to return one pair of shorts). Claire got an automatic bubble blower (it has been so much fun) and Jared dreamed about our "future house" with the tennis courts and a place to put a heavy bag and a basketball hoop. Then we went to a steak house for dinner (Texas Roadhouse - which was delicious) where the servers line danced every once in a while. Claire thought the line dancing was great fun. She was clapping and bouncing right along with them. It was pretty cute.

Day 4 (Thursday):
This was definitely the dark day of the trip. Jared still had to work a full day, but Claire and I had to get packed up and checked out of the hotel. Plus...she needed to get a nap at some point. Luckily we got a later check-out, so Claire did get a little bit of a nap. It was a long morning and a lot to handle by myself with a 15-month-old in tow, but somehow we managed. I dropped Jared off a lunch and Claire and I ate on the run, but I finally managed to get everything packed and loaded into the car.

Claire and I hit up the Botanical Gardens and Butterfly House at Close Memorial Park. The park was amazing. It had a lot of trails and beautiful gardens. Unfortunately the butterfly house only has a couple of open hours in the evenings on certain days of the week -- too bad we didn't know about that at the beginning of the trip. So we didn't get to walk through the little exhibit, but we did enjoy the park, the geese, and the sprinkler systems. It started to get pretty hot and we still had a few hours to kill, so Claire and I headed to the Battlefield shopping area and found the mall.

Claire and I went to build-a-bear (a story for another post) and the Great American Cookie store. Then we hit up Toys-R-Us - where Claire got a ball. After which, we went to retrieve Jared and head home.

It was a really fun trip and I am so grateful that we got to go, but I was SO ready to get home. I love my home and my bed. : )

Heavy on My Heart

Olivia (May 3, 1999 – October 3, 2009)

Your momma means so much to me; you her little spark of energy.

You shined each day in your own special way.

So full of confidence. It is no coincidence.

You are the daughter of the Rays.

You filled so many people’s days

Made your mark in such a way

The loss, when you left, our hearts did fray

I know your time was part of His plan

His timing is perfect—even if we don’t understand.

I praise His name for you; you among His chosen few.

I grieve our loss, but praise His gain,

And know your life was not in vain.

Emma (March 19, 2005 – March 27, 2012)

You loved all things sparkly and pink.

Your leaving really made me think

About your beautiful and spunky self

Even the meaning of life itself.

God had a very special plan for you.

You were among His chosen, select few.

You have touched numerous souls and your life filled so many holes.

In your short seven years of existence.

I praise His name for you; you among His chosen few.

I grieve our loss, but praise His gain,

And know your life was not in vain.

Abigail (March 19, 2012 – March 20, 2012)

Your time here was so brief

Your leaving filled us with grief

I will never forget your beautiful face,

Or the picture of you in your parents’ embrace.

My heart is aching and I know your mom’s and dad’s are breaking.

My only hope is in Him who heals

He knows too well how each of us feels

He has a purpose for us all and He will answer all of us who call

He knew the number of your days

He knew you wouldn’t stay

He had a special place for you

You were part of His chosen, elect few.

I praise His name for you; you among His chosen few.

I grieve our loss, but praise His gain,

And know your life was not in vain.

Oldie, but Goodie

I have been going through old videos of our little Claire bear and found this one--it cracks me up every time. Claire was about nine months old and thought the pets' water dish was fascinating. She took off for it every chance she got. If you turned your back or left the room--you inevitably came back to find Claire splashing in it. Hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

Also, my baby has gotten so big! She isn't even really a baby anymore. : (