Parched

I very much dislike it when my blog sits idle and empty. Writing is such a cathartic activity for me. Lately, however, life has just been beating me down. I have been feeling empty. Dry. Parched. And when I feel down it makes it very hard to write. (Honestly, it has been hard to do anything that makes me feel better.) It is especially difficult when I know that other people have the potential to read what I have written.

I definitely don't want to be that person who hides what is really going on and only shows the perfectly clean house, perfectly behaved children, perfect happy marriage, and perfectly put together self. I don't want to be a "Fakebooker." I want to be real, but exposing myself to that level of scrutiny is hard. It is hard for me to even admit to myself that I often don't behave rightly or think rightly when things are not going my way; let alone share it with the Internet.

So, the past few months life has been messy. Some days I have cooperated and let God's grace wash over and through me and I have handled things reasonably well. Most days, however, I have gotten frustrated, angry, short-tempered, sad, down and just plain ugly.

Having young children is such a reality check. As I was growing up I always knew I wanted a husband, children, a home--a family--of my own. I never thought about how hard having those things would be though.

Marriage is hard work. Motherhood is hard work. Probably the hardest things I have ever done in my life. Try to love my husband well and raise my children well.  They are the greatest gifts I could have ever received, but they take some serious effort. I don't get to do what I want, whenever I want to anymore. I don't get to think of myself first. Not if I want to raise God-fearing, socially acceptable children and have a successful marriage. Sure if I wanted wild, lunatic monkeys for children, or a one-way ticket to divorce court--then I could be as selfish and self-serving as I wanted. Is it really so much to ask that they take a nap at the same time once during the day? I mean honestly, what I would give for an hour of alone "me" time.

My husband was and is such a blessing in my life (as are my children), but he is also very different from me. He does things in a different way. He thinks about the world in a different way. He has his own unique perspective. And very often those ways of thinking and doing life are different from (and even conflict with) my own. Then we threw two children into the mix (are we crazy!?!?) Two additional unique individuals. One of which has a definite strong will and stubborn streak (of course I have no clue where those personality traits came from) and the other who is just starting to show her own individual personality and desires. They are tiny humans, but they still want things done a certain way (their own way).

I am admitting that it is a struggle to balance everything. I want to be selfish. I want to do things and have things go my way. In fact most EVERY days I mess up pretty much all of what I am supposed to be in charge of. I cannot tell you how many times I have gone to bed feeling like a total and complete failure. I often feel like an inadequate wife, mother, sister, daughter, Christian, etc. The only thing that keeps me going is the reminder that it is not my job to do it all perfectly, or to even do it all. It is HIS. He sustains me (Psalm 3:4-6). It is hard to remember that in the midst of the chaos that is my life lately. In fact, there have been some days where I just flat out felt alone. Completely and utterly alone. I think how can this be so hard? Other people handle more than this. Other people are doing this (and/or more) so much better than me. Other people...those doubts and feelings of worthlessness are just lies from an enemy who wants to steal, kill, and destroy everything good in my life (John 10:10).

The truth is I am an inadequate wife, mother, daughter, sister, Christian, etc. All on my own, I am inadequate (Romans 3:23). I am not now, nor will I ever be enough, but I do not have to be. I do not have to measure up to other people. I do not have to meet their standard of excellence. I just need to rely on God and be obedient with what has been tasked to me. His strength is what is going to get me through the day and He is omnipotent. Just be obedient and do the best with what has been given to me. (Easier said than done am I right?!?!)

I have to remind myself daily (every second of every day) that I am worthwhile and that I am not alone. I am a child of God. He has sealed me with his Holy Spirit who is interceding on my behalf (Romans 8:26, what a promise!). I, of course, also need daily reminding that I cannot do it alone. If He/life didn't remind me I would become a prideful mess.

No matter how good or terrible my day has been it always comes back to the basic truths. I am a sinner, my children are sinners, the enemy wants to trip us up and steal our joy, and life is messy, but God is good. God loves me (us, Psalms 136:1-3) and wants the best for me (us, Jeremiah 29:11), but that doesn't mean the best will be easy. I must "count it all joy" (James 1:2-4)because He is using this time in my life--these struggles--to perfect me and make me capable of bringing His kingdom glory.

So I am going to continue to soldier on. I am going to get down in the trenches of this motherhood thing and I am going to do my best. I hope that my good days will outnumber my bad days. I also hope that I will continue to push myself to write--even when I feel like the only things I have to write about are how horribly I failed that day--although I make no promises. If my blog is idle it's because I am busy battling. And in the end I will win my battle because I am not alone...even when it feels like it...I have a Strong Tower (Psalm 61:2-4), a Prince of Peace (Isaiah 9:6), an Almighty God fighting on my behalf.