Shredder Dave

I have been trying to write this post for almost ten months and I still don't really know what to say, or how to say it. There are no words, or at least no words I can find that seem to really fit, to sum up my feelings regarding your passing.

I will never forget the day I found out that Katie was dating someone who called himself "Shredder Dave." I thought it was such a weird name for a grown man to go by. I was pretty incredulous that this relationship was ever going to turn into anything substantial. However, Katie kept insisting that you were a keeper. And then I met you. And it all made sense. ;-) You were a heckuva guy David Adams. Self assured. Loyal. Generous and so kind. You were a friend to everyone you met. I remember my dad talking very fondly of you after just having spent a few short days getting to know you on our Disney trip.

I have definitely run the gamut of the grieving process. I have felt: shock , disbelief, anger, sadness, joy for you (Praising His name in His presence), and so much more. I grieve because I didn't get the chance to know you as well as I would have liked. I grieve because you were so young and just married. I grieve because my oldest daughter will not get to make silly faces with you again. I grieve because my youngest daughter will never have the chance to know you and make silly faces with you.

The crux of the issue is:

We miss you so much Uncle Dave. I miss you.

Will Claire remember you well enough to miss you? In some ways I hope that she will and in other ways I kind of hope she doesn't. I know that when she talks about "Aunt Kate's wedding" and "Uncle Dave" that it sort of breaks my heart. My heart breaks for her (even though she is too young to really understand), for Aunt Kate, and for myself.

I am so glad that your death was not a horrible, drawn out process. I am so glad that you are jamming out with Jesus. I am so glad to see your legacy building up our Savior in the lives of so many. But I also miss you. And I just needed to put that out there. You were missed all summer. You were missed at Thanksgiving. You were missed at Christmas. You will continually be missed by so many friends and loved ones that you left behind. And I am sad that you are gone, but I am so happy to know where you are and what you are getting to do. And I know that you are not sad anymore - sadness is reserved for the living.

Goodbye Shredder Dave.

Busy with the Babies

So I guess I am in a stage of life where my time is at a premium. There are husbands and babies, and family, and friends who all take up pieces of my days. And it all adds up to having very little time to write about what all is going on.

You know what though, I would rather have my days filled with those things (plenty to write about), but little time to do the actual writing than the other way around. :-) I live a very blessed life--even on the days that are crazy and make me want to pull all of my hair out--I am so very, very blessed.

So here are some pictures of our shenanigans lately:

Parched

I very much dislike it when my blog sits idle and empty. Writing is such a cathartic activity for me. Lately, however, life has just been beating me down. I have been feeling empty. Dry. Parched. And when I feel down it makes it very hard to write. (Honestly, it has been hard to do anything that makes me feel better.) It is especially difficult when I know that other people have the potential to read what I have written.

I definitely don't want to be that person who hides what is really going on and only shows the perfectly clean house, perfectly behaved children, perfect happy marriage, and perfectly put together self. I don't want to be a "Fakebooker." I want to be real, but exposing myself to that level of scrutiny is hard. It is hard for me to even admit to myself that I often don't behave rightly or think rightly when things are not going my way; let alone share it with the Internet.

So, the past few months life has been messy. Some days I have cooperated and let God's grace wash over and through me and I have handled things reasonably well. Most days, however, I have gotten frustrated, angry, short-tempered, sad, down and just plain ugly.

Having young children is such a reality check. As I was growing up I always knew I wanted a husband, children, a home--a family--of my own. I never thought about how hard having those things would be though.

Marriage is hard work. Motherhood is hard work. Probably the hardest things I have ever done in my life. Try to love my husband well and raise my children well.  They are the greatest gifts I could have ever received, but they take some serious effort. I don't get to do what I want, whenever I want to anymore. I don't get to think of myself first. Not if I want to raise God-fearing, socially acceptable children and have a successful marriage. Sure if I wanted wild, lunatic monkeys for children, or a one-way ticket to divorce court--then I could be as selfish and self-serving as I wanted. Is it really so much to ask that they take a nap at the same time once during the day? I mean honestly, what I would give for an hour of alone "me" time.

My husband was and is such a blessing in my life (as are my children), but he is also very different from me. He does things in a different way. He thinks about the world in a different way. He has his own unique perspective. And very often those ways of thinking and doing life are different from (and even conflict with) my own. Then we threw two children into the mix (are we crazy!?!?) Two additional unique individuals. One of which has a definite strong will and stubborn streak (of course I have no clue where those personality traits came from) and the other who is just starting to show her own individual personality and desires. They are tiny humans, but they still want things done a certain way (their own way).

I am admitting that it is a struggle to balance everything. I want to be selfish. I want to do things and have things go my way. In fact most EVERY days I mess up pretty much all of what I am supposed to be in charge of. I cannot tell you how many times I have gone to bed feeling like a total and complete failure. I often feel like an inadequate wife, mother, sister, daughter, Christian, etc. The only thing that keeps me going is the reminder that it is not my job to do it all perfectly, or to even do it all. It is HIS. He sustains me (Psalm 3:4-6). It is hard to remember that in the midst of the chaos that is my life lately. In fact, there have been some days where I just flat out felt alone. Completely and utterly alone. I think how can this be so hard? Other people handle more than this. Other people are doing this (and/or more) so much better than me. Other people...those doubts and feelings of worthlessness are just lies from an enemy who wants to steal, kill, and destroy everything good in my life (John 10:10).

The truth is I am an inadequate wife, mother, daughter, sister, Christian, etc. All on my own, I am inadequate (Romans 3:23). I am not now, nor will I ever be enough, but I do not have to be. I do not have to measure up to other people. I do not have to meet their standard of excellence. I just need to rely on God and be obedient with what has been tasked to me. His strength is what is going to get me through the day and He is omnipotent. Just be obedient and do the best with what has been given to me. (Easier said than done am I right?!?!)

I have to remind myself daily (every second of every day) that I am worthwhile and that I am not alone. I am a child of God. He has sealed me with his Holy Spirit who is interceding on my behalf (Romans 8:26, what a promise!). I, of course, also need daily reminding that I cannot do it alone. If He/life didn't remind me I would become a prideful mess.

No matter how good or terrible my day has been it always comes back to the basic truths. I am a sinner, my children are sinners, the enemy wants to trip us up and steal our joy, and life is messy, but God is good. God loves me (us, Psalms 136:1-3) and wants the best for me (us, Jeremiah 29:11), but that doesn't mean the best will be easy. I must "count it all joy" (James 1:2-4)because He is using this time in my life--these struggles--to perfect me and make me capable of bringing His kingdom glory.

So I am going to continue to soldier on. I am going to get down in the trenches of this motherhood thing and I am going to do my best. I hope that my good days will outnumber my bad days. I also hope that I will continue to push myself to write--even when I feel like the only things I have to write about are how horribly I failed that day--although I make no promises. If my blog is idle it's because I am busy battling. And in the end I will win my battle because I am not alone...even when it feels like it...I have a Strong Tower (Psalm 61:2-4), a Prince of Peace (Isaiah 9:6), an Almighty God fighting on my behalf.

Family Videos

Here are some videos of our kiddos doing some things. :-) Some of them are sweet. Some of them are funny. Some of them are amazing. If you don't like kids - these videos are not for you. If you don't like our kids - these videos are not for you. So mostly I am posting these for JuJu and MeMe and all of the Aunts and Uncles.

Amelia Giggling

Claire Swimming

Claire "Catching" Bubbles

Claire's Memory Verse

Claire Reading "The Very Hungry Caterpillar"

Claire's version of "The Hokey Pokey"

Happy Father's Day

I just had to share this great pic of my husband who is now the daddy to two amazing little girls:

Happy Father's Day! 

You're a wonderful husband and father, and we're truly blessed to have you in our lives. 

We love you.

And Happy Father's Day to all of the other fathers, future fathers, fathers of angel babies, and any other father figures. You play an important role in the lives of the children you love. Thank you for all that you do.

Bridesmaids dresses are not conducive to nursing...

So Dorothy (my little sister) is hitched. The wedding was at the end of May, I was the Matron of Honor (truly an honor indeed), and Claire got to be a flower girl.

I was so glad and proud to be a part of Dorothy's big day, but it was not without its challenges. I was nursing a newborn, in charge of a toddler, and co-hosting Dorothy's bachelorette and lingerie shower festivities. Not to mention that Jared was a groomsmen in a different wedding during the same weekend. He helped out as much as he could, but he had his own activities and schedule that he had to follow. If it were not for my sister-in-law, Ashley, and Jared's family I do not think I would have made it.  Luckily, the weddings were not on the same day. Suffice to say we had a jam packed weekend.

Friday Night:

Jared had his rehearsal dinner. I (and Amelia tagged along) had Dorothy's bachelorette party and lingerie shower. Claire went to see her JuJu and Zo.

Saturday:

We had Dorothy's rehearsal around noon. There was a wedding party get together/lunch at my parents house. Jared had to go take pictures around 3:00pm and then had his wedding. Claire went to take a nap at the Allen's house and stayed with them until they took her home for bedtime. I attended the wedding (with Amelia in tow - she refused/continues to refuse to take a bottle) and then rushed over to Dorothy's rehearsal dinner. Jared joined Amelia and I when he was finished visiting with his friends and his wedding duties were over.

Sunday:

Amelia and I attended a Bridesmaid's Brunch and then went to get our hair done with (another) Claire (the groom's sister). Then we headed to my parent's house where the rest of the bridal party was getting ready. Then it was a whirlwind of make-up and getting to the venue. Claire (my toddler) was with Jared in the morning and then got dropped off at her JuJu and Zo's (again!) for a nap - before they dressed her and brought her for pictures. Then it was go time!

Phew!

General Comments/Feelings:

The most stressful moments were definitely during pictures when I was in charge of Dorothy's dress/veil, my dress, and Claire - she was NOT in a cooperative mood.  I was also so worried that she was going to decide not to walk down the aisle (Claire, not Dorothy) or that she would throw a tantrum at some point mid-walk.

All my worries were for nothing. Claire did beautifully. She walked down the aisle perfectly, then let out a little shout of excitement when she saw her JuJu waiting for her, and took off at a toddler run to get to her. It was so cute. After that point I took a deep breath and enjoyed myself much more. Jared had Amelia and I only had myself and Dorothy to worry about for half an hour.

Then after the ceremony it was a whirlwind of making sure everyone (else) was fed, Dorothy had everything she needed, my toast (which I totally did not prepare for adequately, but turned out okay), and trying to enjoy some of the reception.Yeah, I never did get to eat dinner, but that's okay. Even though I missed at least half of the reception - between nursing, Matron of Honor duties, etc. - the parts I did see/get to be a part of were a lot of fun.

Claire and the newlyweds.

Also, it turns out that a combination of nursing and not having time to eat is an excellent way to lose weight - I was down three pounds by the end of the weekend. However, I don't really recommend that diet to anyone. ;-)

It was a beautiful ceremony, Dorothy was a beautiful bride, and I was one proud sister. We all had a great time. I don't really care to repeat the craziness of that weekend ever again, but it was a really sweet time with/for my family.

Too bad I didn't have time (or free hands) to take any pictures. 

Holy Moly...

So I know it has been about a month since I posted, but life has been crazy! I am only posting now because I am not exhausted and both girls are asleep...the house is quiet.

Amelia Jo is almost two-months old now. Claire is almost 2 and a half years old and my little sister is married.

May went by in a whirlwind. I was trying to get the hang of mothering two (which I am still trying to get the hang of by the way), planning a bachelorette party for my little sister, and working off some baby weight in order to cram myself into a bridesmaids' dress (which I did fit into--barely).

I love Claire, I love Amelia, and I cannot imagine my life without either of those little boogers, but parenting two is a daily hourly minute-by-minute challenge (and I can only imagine that with each successive child the challenge just continues to grow). It is such a weird place to find yourself. Absolutely loving your life and loathing it simultaneously. I don't mean literally loathing life, but there are definitely moments when I think, "How did I get myself into this mess?" Of course, there are also moments when I think, "How did I get blessed with this mess?" I mean seriously. I have two of the most precious baby girls (and a fabulous husband; who happens to be the world's best daddy too).

Claire is in the middle of her second year. It is a really fun time to be her mother AND it is a really difficult time to be her mother. I am so glad that the Lord's mercies are new each morning because boy do I need it. I do not get enough sleep (Amelia needs to eat at night) and my patience just wears thinner and thinner throughout the day. There are many nights that I go to bed feeling like I have absolutely failed at mothering Claire. Luckily, she is pretty forgiving at this age. I do wonder (and worry) if our nap time (and other) power struggles are going to have lasting harmful effects on her and/or our relationship. Surely other parents worry about this - I can only hope I am not the only one. Even though we have our fair share of stand-offs throughout most days, we have some really precious moments too.

Amelia is such a good baby. She naps. She eats. She is growing SO quickly. I never had those "she is getting too big too fast" moments with Claire. I was always just so glad she was gaining weight (we had trouble with that in the first few months), but Amelia is a different baby entirely. I am pretty sure she is just average sized, but she is wearing clothes that Claire didn't fit into until she was five months old; and she is not even two months old! Also, Amelia is a snuggler - Claire never really was - so I am cherishing my little snuggle bug. : ) I really cannot imagine our lives without Amelia. She is such a sweet blessing and has wiggled her way into my heart right next to her sister. I still cannot fathom how one heart can hold so much love, but my love for these girls just continues to grow.

God gives us so much more grace than we deserve (because we deserve none), but I cannot remember a time when I have been more aware of that fact than during this season of my life.

So, in order to not make this the world's longest post, I am going to break this up into two posts. Dorothy's wedding weekend to follow.